Hands up. Eyes closed. Twisting at the waist as if the top half of him was actually a washing machine agitator. Sunday morning worship is extra special when Matt is with us. Sometimes I just watch others watching him and smile. Other times I think “If they only knew what it takes on a daily basis to get him ready to go anywhere or how much pain he has experienced in the 15 years he has blessed us with his presence. Some would say, “Well, he doesn’t know any better.” I beg to differ. He may not understand it (neither do I for that matter) but he feels it. He doesn’t like it (see above picture) but he chooses not to let his circumstances steal his joy. Oh, if I could only live life the way he does-To be that strong. I think I would have checked out long ago. What joy he brings to others. I truly believe that is his calling. “Matthew” means “Gift from God” but it might as well mean “Acceptance with Joy”. But, as his mom, it is times like this that break my heart.
Another PICC line. Another g-tube stoma infection that won’t clear. Another round of IV antibiotics. A bowel that stops working no matter what I do with his diet. More unanswered questions. More decisions to make for him. Decisions that undoubtedly will involve more pain and more time away from home and school. I try not to question God but sometimes it’s hard. It’s hard when he’s in the hospital and is asking at least every 30 minutes to go home. Or, every weekday when he says, “Mom. Go school?” and I have to say “I’m sorry. Not today. You can’t go to school with a PICC line.”
I have read that, 90% of in utero diagnoses of Down Syndrome end in abortion. Some would use cases like Matthew’s as justification. Not everyone with Down Syndrome struggles with such complicated medical conditions. Many live long, happy and even independent lives. When Steve and I said no to the amniocentesis, we said “yes” to whatever God had in store for us as a family. I liken it to standing at the alter on your wedding day. You stand before God and man and make a vow “til death do us part”. Why? Because we have no idea what lies ahead. God doesn’t give us a crystal ball on our wedding day. If He did, many of us would never marry. And so it is with our children. Some come into the world healthy and stay healthy. Some come in healthy and get very sick or become disabled in some way.
So what do we do? Just as we would for any sick or injured spouse or child. We rise each day, ask God for renewed strength and deal with what’s in front of us. If Matt can take it, we can make it.